Here I set. alone in a HUGE house...and feeling very peaceful. The house that Cameron shares with five other marines is amazing. I was hesitant at first because it has a bar, and a pool table with "odd" decorations hanging from the light fixture.I is clearly a house where young men are working hard to prove their "manhood", but it is very clean and lovely. The laundry room is larger and prettier than my living room. You could fit four of my kitchens in this kitchen. It is just a very nice house.
Last night I cooked for the whole crew. It was nothing fancy, Taco soup, salad and brownies and you would have thought they were eating at the Ritz! They were so appreciative and courteous. The only time I have even heard a curse word was the first night when we were in Cam's room with the door closed and they didn't know we were there, and they were drinking...
Last night they offered to "adopt me" that is pay me whatever I make at home plus benefits,( but I would have to leave my husband ...and other children..) if I would stay and cook for them.....So funny!
Today it is overcast. Cam had to go in for some training, Scott took him, and he and Chelsea are going exploring while they wait for Cam. Then they have to pick up another load from Cam's old apartment (whatever Melinda left behind) so it looks like our outing to Coronado will have to wait for another trip.
Speaking of Melinda...the saga goes on. Cam let her go through the paperwork file and didn't watch her. closely .(dumb...dumb) apparentlyn she lifted the power of attorney paperwork( why he hadn't shredded it ????) and the Seaworld tickets he had purchased with his Military Discount for Wednesday. Consequently she cost us more drama...and cost me almost $300. to get us into Seaworld without the discount. I am still waiting for her choices to catch up with her..I know I need to be forgiving...but like the two other people I struggle with, she just keeps re-offending... I'd better not die before I can repent of this one too.....
Being here...seeing other kids makes me wish Ian and Connor were here too. I would love to do the beaches with them and have had them with us when we were five feet away from twenty wild seals yesterday....sigh.....But I have my sun fix....and that makes me happy!

I don't know what i was thinking when I signed on for this trip...I actually thought I might have some say in where we went and when. I have been flexible and gave in to the wishes and desires of Micah and Scott..I hiked until my knew swelled and gave  up asking to go to church after getting negative responces twice...and have even been praying silently after the uncomfortable situation of me asking fo bless the food once,
    i just wanted one thing before we left the reservation and that was to go back to the trading post on a day that wasn't the sabbath. Scott PROMISED me ,everyday, we would but now we are leaving the reservation and he says," it's 20 miles away...and I have a lot of places I want us to go today in the opposite direction." I am REALLY dissappointed. THere are lovely things I wanted to get for gifts that are so much more reasonable here and the money and since they are on  consignment, I would be giving money back to the people who made them....but alas...once again I have very little input on the situation.
People who are around us when we travel often wonder why I don't bother to try and offer my opinion when Scott's involved...after 24 years. I realize it is just hurtful to keep getting let down. Oh, I have to go...Scott is saying ...when are you going to be done donna....I have MY shower taken now and have eaten so let's go.

Okay so this is the fourth night that scott has been gone. I never sleep well when he is gone because I feel so vunerable up here where we live when I am by myself. Also, I have had to do double running around and driving with my clutch with my bad knee, since I am single parenting. I was so sad in church today, I just wanted to cry, but I didn't because Barbara was sitting next to me crying...apparently she had forgotten a meeting she was to supposed to have with a general authority. So I stuffed my stuff and worked on helping her with her emotional baggage. 
   I think it is the weather. I really think if I could have some sunshine, all this wouldn't affect me so badly, but alas..no sun. I only hope there is no sun where scott is...in fact I would even like some nice cold rain for him and his ill-timed river trip. 
  Chelsea and I left church early to go to Harrisburg's graduation. It was so lame....but Chelsea was happy because her friend, samantha was graduating. Now I am here, resting my lame knee. I should be writing my obituary, which is my final project for my death and dying class, but I just don't think that would cheer me up today.

   I am sooooooo tired. So very little sleep last night, but I did a good job faking it at work today. As soon as I was off, I called my mom to inform her that her RX could not be filled until thursday. Unlike my daughter, my mother DOES abuse prescription drugs and her doctor is wise to her. She immediately became unglued and started yelling at me on the phone. I reminded her that I was at the school still and asked her to stop yelling at me. She responded that she wasn't yelling, so I told her I was holding the earpiece six inches away from my ear and the I could hear her and so could everyone around me. She quieted a little bit but then wound up and started in again. I told her I couldn't do this anymore and hung up. Then Scott called, he was stuck in Chicago because of a storm and missed his flight to Wisconsin, so he wasn't in a good mood either. But I can't blame him, he has been flying since 4am.  
    Then, just to gather my wits together before having to go face my mom in order to pick up Chelsea, I checked my work email and found out that the district is going to reimburse me for $650 of my slpa classes this fall. That is like a scholarship to me, so I was stoked!!!!!!!!
And my stake meeting was canceled for tonight so I am going to a baby shower for Mary Heacock, a daughter of an old family friend. 
Part of me just wants to crawl into bed and veg...but no rest for the wicked...as they say...
   So I am off. Happy that I am being blessed right now when I so badly needed good news! And I just got a call and Scott is finally landed in Wisconsin, so things are really looking up!!!!!!!!!

     Well, ever since I had that dream about  Scott's dad, I haven't been able to sleep well. Scott leaves at 4am today, because Dad's doctor says that  he won't make it through the week. I think I am just stressed because of not knowing what is going to happen. I like things planned and a little more organized. Heck, I have had my reservations for my trip with Melissa for months and already have had my reservations for May for another month. Now, I just have to wait and see. My work is good about giving me a week for bereavement leave, but not until he actually dies. So I can't go back with Scott...and if it happens on the weekend, and the funeral is on Monday, I am not sure what I will do, maybe fly to wisconsin so I can fly back and drive to portland to fly to utah?  Matthew is depending on me to take him to Utah. 
     Nothing is simple. I envy Scott, who has the flexibility in his life to just come home and say "I am leaving in the morning..." and be able to go knowing I will take care of everything here.  And there are still issures with my own mother, who is already laying guilt trips saying that we "just like to fly back to wisconsin instead of taking care of her". And, there is Chelsea and her job and school and activities....I could use a moderately priced clone at this point.
     On a more positve note...
     I put together a giant book of Dad's life. It is in a 4inch ring notebook, and is an biography filled with pictures and narration from interviews I did with him in 2001. It tells about his childhood, his thoughts about his own mother and dad, wife and children. It also has letters and pictures from his friends and  family, sharing stories and memories.  It is all scrapbooked and came out really nicely.  If I don't make it back, it will be a nice tribute to him.  I also wrote him a letter with pictures of all my children and their children. I told him that he has been the only father I have known, the only grandpa my children have known and expressed my gratitude. Scott promises to read it to him tomorrow when he gets there.
As I write this I am getting very emotional. 
         Scott's exwife called last night and it looks like she is going to Wisconsin. How wierd would it be for her to be at the funeral and not me? I think I am a little too sleep deprived to make rational thought happen right now. I'll just do some mundane paperwork and hope it makes me drowsy enough to get a couple of hours sleep before I have to get up for work at 5:30am. After all life goes on and I have a baby shower to attend tomorrow night and ....and...and...

   I usualy consider myself a fairly compassionate person, but I am struggling to empathize or even tolerate my own mother. I swear she is crazy. The things she says to me and to my children about me are truly making me not even like her very much.
Today, knowing that I am already stressed to the max because of Scott's father's condition, she made a Dr. Appointment which required me to take time off work (without pay) run 15 miles into Coburg, then 20 miles to Junction City then 20 miles back to Coburg again. On the way into the doctor's she complained about how people on television were losing their homes because of mortgages they couldn't pay. In a futile effort to reassure her, I told her that she didn't need to worry because the house we bought for her to live in was mortgage free.  To that she responded in a very snotty tone, "not everyone can afford to buy a house outright like you." I reminded her that we had spent our entire life savings in order to buy that house so she would have a nice place to live out her life. To that she replied, "you didn't buy that for me, you bought it so Chelsea could go to Sheldon."  If that was the my motive, I could have rented a bloody apartment for six months instead of spending $190,000. for a house, not to mention all the money we put into it remodeling and buying new appliances before she even moved in.  
    I felt so unappreciated I truly wanted to scream. That woman who never mothered me, who abandoned me for two years when I was four, who then married a pervert who sexually abused  and beat me for TEN YEARS with no protection from her,  now has the gall to complain about all the effort I put into taking care of her. 
    Scott keeps reminding me that she has dementia, and that I have to not let her words hurt me. IF she has dementia, it is her own fault for abusing prescription drugs for the last twenty years. She is penniless because of her other poor choices. Alas,she IS pitiful, but right now I am truly having problems feeling sorry for her....and that brings on the guilt. What a cycle!
    Now that I have it all on paper...or at least in print...I am going to try to let it go and not let it affect my husband and children. It IS monday, we WILL have FHE...I refuse to be a lame parent...
   I have a lot to be grateful, the most of all is the Heavenly Father sent the Gospel to me and through that has shown me a better way...so I am going to concentrate on that and forget about my mom for now...I'm going to go dance with Chelsea!

  I heard from Melissa...she sounded better and that made my heart sing! I told her that it was because I now have the catholics AND the Baptists praying for her. In fact everyone at work that has a walk with God is pleading her case!
Last night we had the missionaries for dinner, and after their lesson, they closed with prayer and blessed Melissa too. I am taking no chances on leaving any prayer stone unturned! 
    Today Scott and I are working on the Basement. he has had no work for 2 weeks so his crew has been here (he feels responsible for them so WE are supporting them during this lean season). They have put in an new wall in the basement making two rooms where there was once one great vast storage area. And he has put in cabinets and sheet rock. If my mom gets worse, and cannot live on her own, we are making an apartment to move her into...hopefully that won't happen! 
     Tonight we are going to dinner with the Lindbergs and the Palmers, but before that I refuse to leave the mountain.  So I am NOT calling my mom.
Scott is on the phone right now with his dad. He is failing. He doesn't want to eat or drink and is pulling out the IVs.  He is having problems recognizing Scott on the phone. Scott may have to fly back....I hope we don't have to fly back for a funeral anytime soon....at least not until AFTER Spring break when I get to seem my precious Melissa. Life gets so complicated sometimes...Good Thing the Lord has wider vision than I do...